One of the things that my best friend and I had in common is our estranged relationship with our father's and mother's who didn't have much nice to say about them. According to my Ma, my Dad was a deplorable human being. According to my friends Ma, his Dad was a loser who wanted nothing to do with him.
Fast Forward To Adulthood.
I learned that my Dad was a pretty awesome fellow who expressed his sincere love for me in a very unique way. My friend also learned that his Dad was an awesome fellow and figured out that his mother had been in a sense lying to him about his Dad all of these years. As a side note this caused a strain in his relationship with his mother and they rarely speak today.
Fast Forward To Last Year.
My telephone rang. Despite my habit of not answering strange numbers something told me to pick up so I did. It was the hospital in the nearby town where my Dad lives. My father was taken in because of a nasty fall he took and was diagnosed with severe dementia. I've visited him and talked to him many times since and although he is pretty cognitive, his memory is not the best and he forgets all if not most of what we talk about.
My friends Dad surprisingly came into town to visit him and his family last Friday. A severe abdominal discomfort that his Dad experienced last Saturday led to a precautionary trip to the hospital. Today is Wednesday and his Dad has been there ever since, he has also been completely unresponsive since last Sunday. Today doctors performed a fourth operation and they still do not have a diagnosis. Barring a medical or serendipitous manifestation, death would appear to be looming in the horizon.
I read a note earlier today from a friend of mine who was getting ready to take her Dad to the hospital after an unsuccessful round of chemotherapy had not done anything to improve her Dad's cancer. She said that she just wants him to "get better" and that this entire process of watching her dad suffer by going through this is "emotionally draining".
My girlfriend received a horrific call approximately three weeks ago. Her young, in-shape athletic Father was found dead in his home of an apparent heart attack. Needless to say she was mortified, no one is ever prepared to answer that call.
Why this sad blog about dying and ailing Dad's? Is it to cause you to feel guilty for whatever relationship you have or don't have with your father? Not really.
The purpose of this blog is to help you realise the importance that Dad's have in our lives and how to improve on this connection going forward if you're able.
Here's my message to.......
Dad's >> Even if you've made mistakes in the past or are not geographically present in your child's life, You Are Important To Them. Let me repeat that in another way, You Are Important To Your Children. Make it a point starting at this precise moment in time to be the best father you could be to your kids regardless of their age or anything that has happened in the past.
Alieniating Mothers >> Being a victim of PAS, this is not the easiest thing to write without allowing sarcasm or passive aggression take over. All I will say is that the person\people you are hurting the most by using your kids as leverage are your kids. The invisible psychological damage you are inflicting on your child(ren) right now could wreak havoc in their future relationships and life in general. Please STOP and leave any unresolved or angry feelings you have towards your kid's Dad out of the way and focus on championing their relationship.
Everyone Else >> Appreciate your Dad for who he is and the good fun things he had done versus condeming him for what he didn't do or who you think he is. If you're able to do so, pay your Father a surprise visit or make a surprise call. Catch up, ask him how he's doing and make sure you tell him that you love him because the day might come when you know longer have the opportunity to do so.
Until we read again,
Jaxon
Today was hands down my favourite day of this week thusfar. I got to see my twins on a non-parenting day. Their school allows for parents to bring their children lunches and even eat with them, so I decided to bring the girls a surprise lunch today.
Actually it was pre planned. Yesterday when we spoke on the telephone Sue, the younger of the twins, said that she wanted for me to bring her lunch and hang out. But Sally, the twin who doesn't seem to be 100% on board with loving me right now, actually told me not to bring her lunch and made it 200% crystal clear that she WAS NOT going to be sitting with Sue and I at lunch today.
I empowered Sally, telling her that she had my complete permission to change her mind and that if she decided that she wanted lunch today to just have her mom send me her lunch request in the morning and that I would bring it to her.
I signed into the front office of the school without a moment to spare and briskly walked into the cafeteria wearing a bright yellow "Visitors Badge" around my neck. I saw both Sue and Sally serrendipitiously next to one another. Sally was standing, vigorously rubbing sanitizer in her hands and Sue was seated patiently waiting for her meal.
A huge smile engulfed my face as I waved and approached my girls. I simultaneously placed Sue ' s lunch in her hands as I gently placed my hand on Sally ' s upper back and asked them both how they were doing. Sue responded with a joyously curt "good" and started enjoying her meal whilst Sally abruptly pulled away and screamed "I AM NOT EATING WITH YOU! " in front of whoever was paying attention. Sue made a slight attempt to persuade her sister to eat with us but Sally had obviously made up her mind.
I probably had one of the most joyously rewarding dining experiences in my life having lunch with Sue and all her classmates. Sue introduced me with pride to all her little friends and they all tried to tell me cool things at the same time. Innocence, wonder, amazement, curiousity and all things good filled the room. I attempted to make eye contact with Sally, who was sitting a few tables over, and get her attention numerous times during the meal without much success. It was clear that Sally didn't want anything to do with me as she glared angrily back once and ignored all other attempts.
After eating we went out to the playground for a brief recess before the end of their lunch period. Sue was so excited that I was going to play and have recess with her and talked about that a lot while we were eating. Sue continued to introduce me to anyone who hadn't already met me as her "Daddy Jaxon" and was clinging on to me the entire play period.
Sally, on the other hand played keep away from me and wouldn't speak to or get near me. At one point she sent a little boy over to 'beat me up' then start shooting me with fake guns. She also had another group of her friends throw a football at me when I wasn't looking. Guess I don't know for sure whether or not Sally prompted this behavior but it was coming from the group of kids she was playing with.
Suddenly, the bell rung. All kids quickly and obediently ran into their respective line's and I said bye to the girls. Sue acknowledged me and told me how excited she was about getting to spend the weekend with me. Sally acted like I wasn't even there.
Author Robert Fulgrum (sp) wrote a brilliant book entitled "Everything I Learned In Kindergarten". In this book he shares various stories and talks about how various life rules are learnt in kindergarten like; play nice, use your manners, respect others etc. Today's experience definitely proved his theory to be true. The experience, although not 100% favorable due to Sally ' s disinterest and standoffishness, was definitely joyously therapudic.
I definitely look forward to dining with Sue and Sally at school again at least one other time this school year. There is much happiness that is derived from being in such an environment. Maybe next time Sally will be the one introducing me to her friends.
Until we read again,
Jaxon
p.s. Happy First Day of school to those of you with children starting either right before or right after Labour Day.
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